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« The inheritance of loss (and gain) | Home | Last Night I Admitted That Things Aren’t Better »

I quit.

By marrit | September 22, 2007

Well, so far I have. Thirteen days.

It’s been difficult because cigarettes and crazy people are made for each other. Smoking feels good when you’re manic because it’s calming. It feels good when you’re depressed because it’s stimulating.  It fills the reward centers of your brain with dopamine–something you don’t have a whole lot of if you’re crazy. You don’t need a prescription for cigarettes, even with the taxes they’re way cheaper than Ambien, and you get twenty little friends in a convenient flip-top box unless only the soft packs are left.

When I was inpatient I discovered that despite the variety in the ward–we were men and women, we were old and young, we were different races and religions, we had different conditions and symptoms–we all liked smoking. Several of us skipped “fresh-air break” because it’s not worth standing on a cement porch watching traffic for fifteen minutes if you don’t get to smoke. Instead we lined up at the nurses’ station for nicotine gum after our dinner trays.  My mom slipped me some extra on a visit, and I cultivated a distribution network.

Now gum is all I have. I chew it furiously at regular intervals. It makes me hyper and gives me gas, and even twelve days in I’m still coughing like a slot jockey at Binion’s Horseshoe. But chewing gum is actually a pleasant vehicle for drugs; it sure tastes better than Prozac.

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Topics: marrit, meds, self-help |

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4 Responses to “I quit.”

  1. Bipolarlawyercook Says:
    September 22nd, 2007 at 4:11 pm

    Good for you and good luck. I was never a habitual smoker, but I catch myself wishing for a cig A LOT. I chew dry mouth gum (yay, Biotene) instead.

  2. jen Says:
    September 23rd, 2007 at 4:10 am

    I want a smoke all the time. Between the pile of crazy drugs and being diabetic, I have no acceptable vices. I can have ONE drink, ONE candy. I have considered amassing a huge pile of porn. But I did have me some smokes at BlogHer. shhhh.

  3. nyjlm Says:
    September 23rd, 2007 at 3:55 pm

    good for you! Keep it up.

  4. leahpeah Says:
    September 23rd, 2007 at 10:57 pm

    depending on how i’m doing, i smoke up a storm. or not. but the craving has never gone away, even if it’s been 3 years since the last one.

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