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My Biggest Regret
By moonflower | July 1, 2008
This is not one of my favorite stories from my past, and I’m not sure why I am writing about it. Without trying to sound too maudlin, sometimes the writing makes it’s own path without me knowing why.
It was my eighteenth birthday, and I was working my full time job as a sales floor clerk at a pet shop. I was working two full time jobs at this time, the other job was as a waitress.
Due to it being a special day, my birthday I was on the hunt for a person to procure some alcohol for me. Typically, I had an older sibling that was more than happy to help me out. She and I however, were feuding and had not spoken in a month.
We had been roommates until a huge physical fight erupted and I ended up with a black eye. I moved out, living in my car and friends’ couches for about a week while waiting for an apartment I’d rented to open up.
The addiction hunger won out, and despite our feud, I headed to her house knowing that my chances of getting ripped without her, were slim at this point. In hindsight, I realized I should have planned it better.
I arrived and there were a few people there with plenty of mind altering drugs and lots of alcohol. I started out with some other person’s prescribed medication and beer. Later, I moved on to more beer, pot, and Xanax. I was determined to get as blown away as humanly possible. Looking back on that time in my life, makes me sad. I had a secret death wish, and I was in a hurry.
Later in that evening a woman I’d never met showed up with nose candy and we all sat around snorting cocaine. Several others bypassed the snorting for injecting it into their veins as I looked on. It was a weird thing to often find myself in a room of people that were shooting dope into their arms. I’d always been afraid of needles and watching was as close as I could get to participating.
Until that evening of my eighteenth birthday.
I was completely blotto and began to wonder if I should just give that needle thing a go. Of course everyone was on board with my interest, dope fiends don’t start out wanting to party like that alone.
A trusted source did the deed and I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up. This is a very common reaction to shooting dope for the first time. I never went back for seconds on that needle thing and I’m very grateful.
As an addict, it could be fatal for me to forget what it used to be like. I put myself into some very dangerous areas during my active addiction, areas that people die from every day. It never occurred to me at that time, the reality of what I was actually doing.
I can honestly tell you that I do not have many regrets about the things I did in active addiction due to it all being a part of who I am today.
This story, happens to be my biggest (if only) regret from my past. Do not mistake my use of regret for not being ashamed of my life then, and ashamed of things that I did. I have plenty of that. The reason it is my biggest regret is in part due to the permanency of it. Luckily it isn’t AIDS, or a liver disease, and for that I am grateful. It is that I cannot donate blood.
I know that isn’t as serious as those that have killed others in drunk driving accidents, or did wind up with a life threatening illness. I’m not sure I could have ever gotten sober if that had been a part of my story.
Topics: moonflower, self harm |
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
[...] moonflower wrote a fantastic post today on “My Biggest Regret”Here’s ONLY a quick extractDue to it being a special day, my birthday I was on the hunt for a person to procure some alcohol for me. Typically, I had an older sibling that was more than happy to help me out. She and I however, were feuding and had not spoken in a … [...]
July 11th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
But your sharing this may help someone else from trying it themselves, and sharing your regret. Thanks, as always, for your humane, real, True writing. You’re making it easier for the rest of us to face our own truths, courageously.
July 14th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
[...] My Biggest Regret As an addict, it could be fatal for me to forget what it used to be like. I put myself into some very dangerous areas during my active… [...]