« Self-defeating | Home | Quick fix »
Today
By moonflower | June 19, 2008
I woke up late this morning, as I’ve been doing since summer began. I stay up way too late and sleep late. Last night, I was piddling around in the garden until about 1am. I put up torch lights with the fuel to keep bugs away, and then I rearranged the lights I had previously set up to highlight the herb garden at night. Most likely, I’ll fiddle with those lights one more time as I do believe I’ve finally figured out what isn’t working for me.
My son had a sleep over last night, they stayed up way too late after many hours playing at the pool. He doesn’t do well without a lot of sleep, and he was a little grumpy.
My ears are clogged again. This happens every summer, depending on how much swimming I do. My too small fucking ear canals. Doctor tells me there isn’t anything they can do about it, except fitted ear plugs. I guess I’m too lazy for that most days. Even my home invention of using an extra vacuum cleaner doesn’t do the trick.
I put off making the appointment to the Doctor too long due to it not being convenient for me to get to appointments. It’s hard enough for me to get to meetings for Christ sake. Something, I’m not very pleased about but have been trying to regulate since my son was born.
If I don’t get to enough meetings, and keep my spiritual life fit I could very well die. It wouldn’t be that simple as it sounds. First I’d go through a stage of thinking I could drink or smoke pot responsibly. I’d do that for a while, and then I’d be off to the races as they say. I could only wish for a quick and painless death. If watching friends and family suffer with this disease is any indication, mine would be slow and painful.
This isn’t what I planned to write about.
What I wanted to write about is, as I dropped off the kids to their perspective places of play today, put the mail in the blue box, and picked up my ear drop prescription from the pharmacy, I began to feel really hungry. Like Big Mac Happy Meal hungry.
I started wondering why I was feeling so hungry, I’d just eaten some cereal for breakfast and taken the one hundred fucking pills that I’m now taking for the goddamn hormone/thyroid fucked up-ness that lives in me. My adrenal glands are fucking shot, due to prolonged motherfucking stress.
How long have I been walking around trying to communicate to people that something was wrong with me. I can’t take ANY MORE of this life I’m living with no outlet. I can’t get to enough meetings, but my god more than anything I know that is what keeps me sane. Al-anon has really pulled me through the past few years, in addition to all the new insights I’ve made in therapy.
So back to me being very hungry. I started to wonder why I was hungry even though I’d eaten breakfast. And then I noticed some shitty feelings hiding there under the surface. Yeah, hello shitty feelings. Why are you here today? What COULD possibly be the reason TODAY?
I resisted the Big Mac attack and took the dogs to the park to walk them and was listening to music on my Ipod. I was desperately trying not to block whatever the message was that was coming through. I listened to some of my hateful music that usually helps bring those hard to get feelings to the surface.
My Dad. Oh shit, not him again. Please, I did so well over Father’s Day and I thought maybe I’d make it through the day without an episode. We even went over to my Mom’s for a short visit after we took husband to lunch. Granted, I was in movement the entire time at her house. I worked on her yard a little. Not much, I watered and repositioned some stuff. Added some manure and new soil to some ailing flowers, built a little mound around them to keep the moisture in. I wasn’t ever far from the house, the kids and everyone could see me and speak to me as I bustled around fixing stuff.
As I walked the dogs, my mind started making tracks to some recent very small events.
I emailed a male friend about a female friend that happened to know my Dad. My Dad really liked her and I did too, one of those really good people. Then, out of the blue I burned a copy of my Dad’s CD and sent to another friend (unrelated to the two previously mentioned). She responded in email that her Dad used to sing, and my timing was interesting to send her his CD out of the blue like that. She misses her Dad too.
All of this in my head as I’m walking the dogs, putting all these pieces together and I just started wailing. Right out in public, on the dog trail. No one was around, I was protected by my sunglasses in case I crossed paths with a human.
It is almost impossible for me to break down in front of people, especially my family. My created family, and the ones that I grew up with. Or strangers. I can cry in my therapists office, he tries to guide me through it so we can find out what the source of pain is. This is good, as it leads to me moving past it.
I doubt that I will ever stop missing or grieving my Dad’s death. Most of the friends I have that have lost their Dads never get over it. I guess I don’t want to get over it or past it, that would mean letting go of him somehow and I never want to let him go.
The bottom line, after a really fantastic cry I realized that the Big Mac attack came from a sadness inside of me. Just another form of trying to put a band aid on my pain.
Part of what led me to this today, is probably from being at the pool and feeling overweight compared to the other Moms there. I know more than ever that my being overweight has everything to do with what is happening between my ears, rather than not having the “right” diet. And, I can assure you that is my truth of excess.
In previous times in my life when I would try to lose weight by dieting and exercise, I would get zero results. When I am peaceful between my ears and feeling healthy minded, weight just drops off of me without diets OR specific exercise. The release I had today is hopefully a move towards finding me again, and living to my true purpose.
Now, I’m REALLY hungry but I’m going to choose something healthier because I want to, not because “I have to”.
Topics: moonflower, relationships, relevant life, self-help, therapy |
June 19th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Wishing you much, much, peace between the ears, soon.
June 21st, 2008 at 5:22 pm
11 years after my mom’s death I miss her every day.
I understand. I tend to do the eating thing too but now I have veggie platters or fruit in my fridge.
I hope you find some times of peace with your loss.
June 22nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
thanks bpl, your tops.
janicenw, thank you. getting better and very glad to have had the insight to further me along.