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Self-defeating
By bipolarlawyer | June 16, 2008
It’s funny, how we can talk ourselves into how MUCH we want something, and do too good a job of it… so that the attainment of it can be anticlimactic. “Is this all there is to it? Isn’t there more? Why isn’t there fanfare?” At least, that’s what I’ve been thinking, going back to work. Why yes, I did want a friggin’ parade, apparently, though sane coworkers and interesting work ought to be enough. So it took me a few days to figure out I was unnecessarily bummed, and feeling sorry for myself because I was being let alone to just do my work– like they let everyone just do their work. It’ll take some getting used to. I’m used to working someplace dysfunctional where I was needed by folks without anyone else to turn to. It was ego-gratifying even as the dysfunction drove me nuts. Guess I will have to learn again the joys of a job well-done, and a workload that doesn’t have me waking up in the middle of the night– something that should be exciting and energy-boosting, not a feeling of being let down. This savior complex has got to go– because you know what? It gets exhausting every day, and I knew that before I stopped working there. But old habits are hard to break. I’ve got to work harder at working easier.
Topics: bipolar, bipolarlawyer, relevant life |
June 16th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
So now you know. Awakening to the need for change is the first step toward that change. And all of that. I relate, oh, how I relate.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:12 am
awesome realization! balance! what a concept!
June 17th, 2008 at 1:04 am
guilty of same, it’s funny how much that trait creeps in and disguises itself as something else in other areas (for me). be well, sounds like you are moving on to healthier thinking.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:27 am
It took me about 4 months to adjust when I went from my last job to the job I am at now. I kept thinking “where is the crisis” I mean, I could not relax enough to just do work. It was an odd feeling, but even though it took some time, I did adjust and am sure you will too.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:22 am
Yikes. Work anxieties. I’d love to have a website (blog or otherwise) where I could just go off on my worries/concerns/gripes, and then forget everything I just said.
How cathartic that would be!
I’m in a bit of a tense situation right now. Not personally for me, but the person I report to is in trouble - which makes it trouble for me.