Too much of a good thing
By bipolarlawyer | July 21, 2008
I’ve been musing on how the adult child thing can rear its head in good times as well as bad– particularly the feeling inadequate thing. I had the extreme blessing of being able to go to BlogHer08 this weekend. All around, I met women whose blogs I’d admired from afar, and others whose blogs I’d not yet encountered. I got to meet bloggy friends, and I met people who’d read my site. All around, everyone was being affirming, interested, curious about one anothers’ experiences, motivations, and writing.
Having some of that positive stuff directed at me ended up being really hard to handle, even as I was meeting people who I wanted to meet, to hug, to praise. I have no problem praising others. I want to, it feels important, it’s a part of what I’d like to see the world become– affirming, supportive, other-centered. But getting praise? Being the object of interest? That’s another story.
My adult-childness developed not in the scenario of overt abuse, neglect, etcetera– really, I know, it could have been so much worse. But even as the adult child of “merely” divorced parents who were preoccupied with their own (admittedly real) shit, the fact remains that I was forced to step forward to care for myself, to try to care for my brother. Whether or not I succeeded is beside the point– the fact is, I was made to try. I was never told, “this is something you shouldn’t have to take on.” Rather, it was a relief to them, that I was able to take care of myself.
Suffice it to say that having grown up not receiving praise for extraordinary efforts, having had success expected of me as a matter of course, and having no attention paid me should I fall short of whatever their mark happened to be, being on the receiving end of positive attention is . . . anxiety-inducing. It skews my perception of what’s ordinary, where the expectations lie. I keep thinking, “it’s not hard,” or “if they really knew,” or worse yet, “what’s the catch?” Except, of course, this is BlogHer. They do really know, it is hard sometimes, and there is no catch– these women bare their own wounds, and by their support and praise clean and bind those wounds I voluntarily bare for exploration. And yet, I still find it hard to believe– as much as I put my content out there for catharsis and on the off chance that it might be helpful to someone else, spare them the misery I’ve felt, I nonetheless doubt I have something important to say.
It got to the point where I had a little bit of a meltdown Saturday night, and had to get out, go have dinner with my husband while I didn’t really talk. (He’s very patient with my semi-catatonic states like that.) There was so much to take in, and overwhelming is still overwhelming, even if the stuff you’re being overwhelmed with is good. I missed most of the closing party because I just needed to be quiet and have no more input for a bit– which makes me sad, because there were lots of “old” and “new” friends I wanted to talk to. But I couldn’t do it, without a time out to put my game face on. I did get back in time to catch up with some of the folks I wanted to see– but now I’ve some regrets for others with whom I didn’t get to spend more time. Great– now I’ve got self-inflicted wounds, too.
In high school, I had a friend who was perpetually insecure, who was actually great, fabulous, wonderful. It came to be a joke between us when I would reassure her or praise her about something, that if she couldn’t believe herself, she should at least believe me, because as everyone knew, I was always right. The tag line was, “because I said so.” So that’s my resolution (among other things) coming out of BH: even as I am trying to put my “because I said so” out into the blogoverse, I am going to try to remember that my own stuff is interesting, “because they said so.” Thanks, they.
Topics: anxiety, bipolar, bipolarlawyer, relationships | 8 Comments »
Leaving Safety
By moonflower | July 18, 2008
I find myself in the middle of an unknown patch of life, and I instinctively know I am not safe.
One of them asks aloud, “is this really happening”?
Another one answers, “no, it’s just another psychotic moment she’s having”.
I respond with, “I cannot be sure”.
The faces around me are familiar.
Their smiles are not.
Are those jagged teeth I see behind their veiled, semi-friendly smiles?
I begin to wonder how quickly my flesh will be ripped apart, once again and fed to the monsters.
“Not again”, one of the voices whispers.
“You may as well go ahead and prepare yourself, it’s really happening. Again.”
“Oh God, please not again”.
The walls slide up as if out of nowhere and enclose me. I hear them chanting as they dance around the outside of the wall.
“The time is now”, they chant over and over.
The time is now.
Topics: anxiety, moonflower | 1 Comment »
We’ve all heard it before
By saviabella | July 17, 2008
Liz Spikol posted a very awesome video about depression advice over at her blog yesterday. It makes light of that oh-too-familiar advice that we get from well-meaning people who have no clue what it’s like to be depressed.
If only laughter really were the best medicine. For now, I’m sticking with my Celexa.
I’ve been told to “snap out of it”, to turn up some music and dance around my living room, and to quit taking things so seriously by people who couldn’t understand why I was debilitatingly depressed or anxious.
They meant well, but they had no idea what they were dealing with because they have never experienced it. Their advice only served to make me feel like more of a failure because I was unable to control something they thought was so easy to solve. It made the gulf between me and what was “normal” even wider.
What’s the worst, most ignorant, or most insulting advice you’ve ever gotten from someone in regards to your mental illness?
Topics: anxiety, bipolar, depression, meds, saviabella | 12 Comments »
Forgetting my madeleine
By bipolarlawyer | July 14, 2008
After you’ve been taking, and alternating among, the different psychoactive drugs for a while, you forget which side effects go with which drugs– and they take you by surprise all over again, when you resume a prior course, abandoned for whatever side effect became intolerable for a time. I’ve been from lamictal to lamictal plus effexor to lithium and back to lamictal again, this time just pushing the lamictal dose and leaving out the SSRI adjuncts, I’ve gone through a hell of a cycle since May ‘05, when I started this medication journey. After two months of titrating up on the lamictal, I am feeling more myself again than I ever did on the lithium. But I’d forgotten the horrible dry mouth, which receded on the lithium. And I’d forgotten the horrible headache I’d get, if I went more than twelve hours between doses. I rediscovered that yesterday, after forgetting my morning dose before leaving the house for day’s worth of activities outside. I’d forgotten the second-day-after-titration inability to form a sentence, or process others’ conversation, while retaining the ability to read, write, and email– but gone the third day, ephemeral as a puff of air.
But those bads are balanced against, outweighed by the goods. I’d forgotten how good the sleep is. I’d forgotten the calmness, the lack of anxiety, the energy to push through and get things done, the mental clarity and ability to concentrate. I’d forgotten contentment, creativity, and spontaneous joking and laughter. And suddenly, I’m remembering as all these things come back. It’s more than la recherche du temps perdus– a remembrance of mental health past– but a recollection, a resumption, a re-tasting of my mental health madeleine, melting on my tongue, filling my senses, not evanescent, but ever-present. At least until the next round of side effects.
Topics: Uncategorized | 4 Comments »