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Some Days
By moonflower | August 20, 2007
some mornings, i wake up and immediately think “everyone hates me”. i am not certain when this began or why. for years i would actually ask people if they hated me.
it became a weird habit. i no longer ask the question out loud (unless i’m joking about it) but i still think it. oh yeah, i still think it. it usually happens first thing in the morning.
i call this voice that hits me early in the morning a gremlin. the gremlin whispers into my ear telling me how terrible i am and every mistake i made the day and night before. he is relentless.
the more awake i become, the gremlin begins to fade but he never leaves. he continues to whisper his negative, subliminal messages in my ear for the day. some days, i can speak to him sternly and tell him to be quiet. it is when i am alone that i can be at my most vulnerable to his presence.
in the presence of my kids, he almost completely disappears. until later in which he tells me all the mistakes i made with my kids. that my son falling down was my fault. that my daughter’s emotional turmoil is all my fault. if i were good enough, i could fix her. i could be everything she needs, even more than god.
i’ve often wondered how i could attach a movie camera to my brain in order for the world to witness some of what happens when the gremlin talks to me. you know, so they could find a cure.
he’s my dragon that i battle. some days i achieve victory by not allowing him to affect me. some days, i go down quickly. the days in which i go down quickly usually mean that i have eaten properly, haven’t gotten enough sleep, haven’t properly cared for myself, etc.
one would think that is the answer and how simple it is. to be good to yourself everyday to keep him at bay. self harm takes on different forms. forms that cannot be seem with the eye.
seems easy enough right? it’s not. i won’t give up though. never will i give up.
Topics: moonflower |